I wish my penis had an off switch
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
