um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize