Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Randomize
