Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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