I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
Randomize
