just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
