It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
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