I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
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