I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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