____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
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