she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
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Did I show you my penis last night?
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
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I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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