I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
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