Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
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