He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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