stupid gm bankruptcy made me miss the showcase showdown
Those cock suckers. We need to know who's winning the hot tub and the vacation to the alps
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
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