We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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