you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
i love accidental penises.
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
