i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Randomize
