Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
sent the pic of my tit to the wrong bbm chatroom
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
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