I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
