I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Randomize
