I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
So squirting runs in the family.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
