haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Randomize
