i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
Randomize
