I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Randomize
