So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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