So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
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