im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Randomize
