i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
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