Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
