I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
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