You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
