Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Randomize
