This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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