Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
