it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
