I'm gonna have a badass scar
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
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