Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
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