The maid of honor just puked.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
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You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
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Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
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