ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Randomize
