i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
