I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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