Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
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