I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Randomize
