I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
