Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Randomize
