i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Randomize
