the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
