i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Randomize
