Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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