If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Just heard "Kiss Me Though the Phone" for the first time. Amazed how it took Soulja Boy two songs to become a shitter version of Ja Rule.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
Zip lining have a big frozedn drink with 151 rum chippendale pic life is GREAT
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
