and she was petting her beer can
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
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