It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
there is glitter all over my balls
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