Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Randomize
