How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Randomize
