And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
We are two peas in an std pod
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Randomize
