I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Randomize
